


Confidence

by LoserLamoWannabe



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Ashton is younger, Ashton's mom is a bitch, Bisexual Calum Hood, Bisexual Luke, Depressed Ashton Irwin, Depression, Drummer Ashton, Gay Ashton, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Pansexual Michael, Rape Aftermath, Self-Harm, Two Shot, ashton's is a drabble format because he's dealing with life, first chapter in ashton's pov, luke's will be a bit neater, second is in luke's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 05:31:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13474683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoserLamoWannabe/pseuds/LoserLamoWannabe
Summary: Ashton Irwin has dealt with too much, and someone finally comes along to take care of him.





	Confidence

For the past two years, Ashton’s noticed how things seem quieter. His mom gets mad at him a lost because of it, says he’s acting stupid. She says she knows Ashton hears her. He’s tried telling her, sometimes the sound just isn’t there. She doesn’t believe him. Today has been good though, and the nine year old can’t help but be extremely grateful. 

He’s standing on the church pews, singing his little heart out. His mom put him in choir a little bit ago and although he doesn’t really grasp this whole Christianity thing, he loves music, so singing is great. He’s not necessarily good at it, but it’s fun.

He’s staring at his mom, grinning as he harmonizes when suddenly his voice seems quieter. And then it’s gone and he’s no longer smiling, and he stops singing. 

The night ends in a hospital room and a doctor diagnosing Ashton Fletcher Irwin as deaf.

+++

Ashton is ten years old. He has this little part of him that hates his mom. She’s a good woman, yeah, but if she had believed him when he was younger he might still be able to hear. But no, he can’t even listen to his music anymore. 

He lays on the floor in his bedroom and blasts music on a speaker. He feels the vibrations and tries to imagine what it sounds like. It’s upsetting because sometimes he misses listening to slow, gentle tunes. Rock is his comfort now. He’ll drum his fingers against the floorboards in tune with the beat. The sun beats in through his little window and he’s pretty much nude asides from his boxers. 

Ashton can’t hear anymore, and it nearly crushes his soul.

+++

Ashton is twelve years old. There’s a girl that lives in the apartment next to him, and she’s super cool. She’s sixteen years old and her name is Iris. Her hair is dyed jet black and she has streaks of color going through it. A fringe covers her right eye and she dresses in dark clothes. She carries around drumsticks. Iris is really cool. The plus is, she knows sign language, too. Her best friend, Gabby, is mute. 

It starts as little waves to each other. Then she’d sign him questions like, “how’s your day?” The next thing Ashton knows he’s loitering in a garage with her and she’s teaching him how to play the drums. 

Ashton is a little queasy. Iris seems different today, even insisting on Gabby to stay inside and finish up her chemistry homework. Ashton sits on the stool, feeling the vibrations of the drums. Iris is behind him, guiding his hands. After a moment she lets go of his hand, trailing hers to his chest. It rests there for a second before it starts to dip lower. Ashton stops beating on the drums, looking at her with tears in his eyes. Since he’s gone deaf, he’s done a lot of reading. And he’s read a lot of stories like this.

Ashton is still young, and still under the allusion that girls can’t rape boys, but what Iris Pond does to him that day will haunt him for the rest of his damned life.

+++

At thirteen, Ashton is severely depressed. He is thirteen and he’s suffered too much. He is thirteen, and he just realized he likes boys. It doesn’t shock him. He read somewhere that when you’re sexually assaulted by someone at a young age, you typically like the other gender more. He’s starting to come to terms with it, and he even thinks of telling his mom, but the little comments she makes. 

She signs as she speaks now, and as she’s describing her day, she’ll recount how “a stupid fag cut her off on highway nine”. Ashton decides that his mom is not very liking towards homosexuals. Ashton doesn’t have any friends. Ashton doesn’t have anywhere to go. He won’t tell his mom, not yet.

He doesn’t know if he ever will.

+++

Michael Clifford was a boy who colored his hair a lot, played the guitar, and according to other at school, had a good set of vocals. Ashton couldn’t hear him, but once when Ashton was walking through the band room, he felt the vibrations as Michael played his guitar, and they were brilliant. 

Ashton would love to be his friend. He’s fifteen and his mom bought him his own drum set. He’s practiced everyday since Iris first taught him. Ashton’s lost himself in his drumming and although his mom tells him he’s good, he doesn’t know if he actually is. 

He brings a whiteboard to school and walks to Michael Clifford when he’s alone. His palms tremble as he scribbles onto the board, “hi, I’m Ashton”. Michael reads it, offers Ashton a friendly smile, and attempts to say something. Ashton shakes his head, erasing the board.

I’m deaf. Michael’s mouth takes an O shape, and he nods understandingly. Ashton erases the board and scribbles down again, would you like to hear me play the drums sometime?

 

+++

It’s been a year since Ashton and Michael became friends, and apparently Ashton is good at the drums. Michael has a boyfriend now, Calum, and he’s all around nice. Ashton teaches them sign language, and they’re helping him with more instruments. Everything is damn near perfect for Ashton.

But then he goes home and the memories resurface and he’s gasping for air. His mom has hair clipping scissors in the bathroom that have become his best friend. His wrists are stained in scars, but what does it matter? He never really was perfect to begin with.

+++

Ashton is wrapped in a knit blanket at Calum and Michael’s house. They’re both eighteen, and living together. Ashton just turned seventeen and came out to his mom. He’s going to be staying and Calum and Michael’s house now. Calum had seen Ashton’s scars one day, and now he’s being watched like a hawk. 

I don’t distrust you, I just don’t want my little brother hurting.

Calum signed it to him one night when they were eating dinner. And Ashton got it, he really did. But his skin really did itch for his blade sometimes. 

Michael plops down next to Ashton on the couch, offering him a mug of hot chocolate. Ashton manages to say “thanks”. He can still speak to an extent, but he’s stopped throughout the years. 

He sips the hot chocolate, his insides warming. Michael and Calum treat Ashton like a kid, but Ashton kind of likes it. He kind of likes having others look out for him. His mom never did that for him. 

He leans his head on Michael’s shoulder. Life’s not too bad right now.

+++

Ashton’s hands tremble from where he sits at the dining table. He was trying to read a book, but Michael and Calum had invited over one of their friends. His name is Luke Hemmings, and apparently he knows sign language. Cool. Ashton hates to feel as though he’s a charity case, but when Luke walks in, all height, tousled blond hair, and lip rings, he’s swooned. He feels kind of like a teenage girl. 

They sign their hello’s and Ashton is thrilled. He’s a singer he says. He’d love to hear Ashton play the drums sometime. When he leaves that night, Ashton is bounding in joy because he knows he’s going to make a move on him.

Confidence.


End file.
